28.4 Exploring the concept and phenomenon of shame
I carried out a qualitative study in
order to try to explore the concept and phenomenon of shame using a qualitative
investigation. 19 users and employees of an Incest Centre were interviewed. The
results indicate that shame is to be found within a number of different
categories, and these were investigated more closely. The categories manifested
in the interviews were divided into two major groups, those concerning self
related shame and those concerning shame related to others. The main categories
connected to shame and self were; emotions, self-harming, body and food. The
main categories connected to shame and others were; fathers, mothers, brothers
and sisters, children and partners/sex. The findings of this qualitative study
seem to show that the concept and phenomenon of shame is created and developed
through the process of Honneth (1996) calls disrespect, a process involving
both one’s self and others (significant others). In this exploration, the lack
of both self-respect and the disrespect from others seems to lead to a negative
self-evaluation. This may lead to a loss of self if ones shame is not recognized.
The person who feels shame might try to conceal the shame by for example repression
of ones emotions or hiding oneself from others.
The categories that have been
discussed involving the relation between shame and self have been: emotions;
self-harming; body; and food. The common denominator in these categories seems
to be the harming of oneself in a large variety of ways. It seems as though the
different forms of self-harming have been used in an attempt to gain temporary
relief for the inner pain the informants suffer in this exploration, and that
self-harming seems to stem more from shame than from the sexual abuse itself.
Shame was not surprisingly the
concept that was talked about the most in the interviews. Since shame and guilt
seem to be so interwoven as concepts, I had expected guilt to be the concept
that would be mentioned most often after shame. But guilt was actually the
fifth most mentioned concept in the interviews. Shame was the central theme
throughout the interviews, and body, the Incest Centre and self-image were
concepts that were mentioned more often than the concept of guilt.
Guilt, anger and embarrassment were
investigated as emotions often mentioned in the interviews. Guilt seems to be a
concept that can be used both independent of shame and in conjunction with
shame. The participants say that guilt is an emotion that arises from a
wrongdoing, something that can be forgiven; guilt helps keep relational bonds
together and is viewed more positively than shame. They also use the concepts
of guilt and shame interchangeably; especially when they blame themselves for
the abuse they have suffered and are not able to forgive themselves. They feel
guilty about participating in the abuse, their self-evaluations are negative
and they feel shame.
The participants in this study
reported some of the consequences of losing one’s self, such as the repression
of emotions. This again often seems to lead victims to treat themselves and
others as objects, entrapped within monological I-It relationships. There seems
to be two types of I-It relationships: one in which the self is objectified and
a second type where others are treated as objects. This seems to lead to even
greater suffering, although many informants seem to experience temporary relief
from inner pain during and directly after self-harming. Some informants
experience blaming and shaming after treating the self or others as objects,
while still others react with indifference. It seems in my opinion to be a
finding of this study that the temporary relief of pain is often replaced by blaming
(Mother-Blaming and Child-Blaming) in combination with shaming (Mother-Shaming
and Child-Shaming). This leads, among other things, to a destructive spiral of
shame and guilt that can continue for many years.
The interviews with the participants
have been analyzed according to five different categories of significant
others; fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters, children, and partners. Mothers
were spoken of more than fathers (123 versus 79 times) in the interviews. I had
expected the opposite result since fathers are sexual abusers much more often
than mothers (Incest Centre in Vestfold, 2005, Årsrapport). None of the participants described their mothers as
perpetrators of sexual abuse, but blaming and shaming seems to be related more
often to mothers than fathers all the same. Mother-Blaming and Mother-Shaming
is explored and discussed. Few participants mentioned their brothers and sisters,
but all of them talked about children. Child-Blaming and Child-Shaming is discussed
because the participants seem to have blamed themselves and condemned themselves
for the abuse, often since early childhood years and many have experienced
blaming and shaming by mothers, fathers, perpetrators, and from society in
general. Almost all of the participants also mentioned their partners, and the
major topic in this connection was sexual problems.
It seems as if the participants often
experienced their abusers as indifferent to the consequences of their actions.
There is no information in the interviews that the abusers have acknowledged
their shame or guilt in relation to the abuse. When participants discussed
their abuse, it was often in connection with their own role as victims of
sexual abuse. Their descriptions seem to suggest that their abusers have found
a certain degree of satisfaction in the abuse, in spite of the suffering of
their victims. It seems common to keep the abuse hidden, as a secret between
the abuser and the child. The child is sometimes threatened or even tortured in
order to procure silence. This silence is necessary if the abuse is to continue
and perpetuates the spiral of abuse. It is my hope that this exploration of the
concept and phenomenon of shame within the context of sexual abuse and settings
of the Incest Centre of Vestfold will be a contribution to making life for
victims of sexual abuse more respectful and less shameful.
Kaare T. Pettersen
Reference:
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