20.3 Hiding
17 of the participants speak of
trying to hide from others in relation to shame. Hiding is mentioned a total of
36 times in the interviews (appendix 4). Ruth, who has worked at the Incest Centre
for several years, describes how some users of the centre physically hide
behind a pillow, behind their hair or under a blanket in order to hide oneself
under a conversation.
Ruth: When they come to have a conversation here ((Looks
up at the ceiling)) they often hide,
physically behind a pillow or behind their hair…One girl hides by sitting under
a woollen blanket with a pillow in front of her face when she talks about
things that have to do with shame. Not always, but when it feels real bad, she hides.
Hiding oneself seems in my opinion
to be both a handling strategy and a non-verbal marker (appendix 20) for shame.
Ruth says that the person she is speaking of hides in different ways when she
feels real bad and that this has to do with shame. Users are permitted to hide
themselves if they find this necessary in the beginning of having conversations
at the Incest Centre, but after a while, they are challenged to remove the pillow
from their face or come out from under the blanket. Being able to show oneself
is a daring venture where one can risk being rejected and disrespected, and
demands courage. Wearing large clothes seem to be a way some victims of sexual
abuse try to hide themselves, like Ellen who is one of the users of the Incest
Centre. She developed her breasts at an early age, and claims that they were
often touched indecently by her father and uncle in her childhood. This led to
the tendency to wear large clothes in order to hide her breasts.
Ellen: I hide my body by wearing large clothes…I hide my breasts so no one can
see them.
In my opinion, Ellen can be hiding
her breasts because she is ashamed of them, feeling that something must be
wrong with them since her father and uncle so often violated her integrity by
touching her breasts the way they did. Hiding can be accomplished not only by
hiding ones whole body under a blanket, but can be developed into more acceptable
and not so visible hiding activity. Ellen hides her breasts; using large
clothes. Other show, in my opinion, this non-verbal marker (appendix 20) of
shame as hiding ones face behind ones hands, hiding ones mouth with one hand,
or maybe even with one fingertip. Pia, who works at the Incest Center,
asserts that hiding something that is wrong has to do with shame and refers what
is wrong as being injured. It is not a thing which is wrong and tried to be
hidden, but it has to do with her and feeling injured.
Pia: I knew something was wrong and tried to hide
it…I’m real good at hiding things and if I was injured or something, I always
knew how to hide it.
Kaare: Does hiding something have anything to do
with shame?
Pia: Uh-huh, of course.
Nussbaum (2004) agues very much the same as Pia when she claims that
hiding from humanity which more and more people do in late-modernity, has to do
with their feelings of disgust and shame. Lewis (1995a, 1995b, 2000) also explains
this need to hide as an expression of shame and argues that shame results when
an individual judges ones actions as a failure in regard to his or her
standards, rules and goals and then acknowledges this failure. The person
experiencing shame wishes to hide, disappear or die. It is a highly negative
and painful state that also disrupts ongoing behavior and causes confusion in
thought and an inability to speak. The body of the shamed person seems to
shrink, as if trying to disappear from the gaze of the self or others. Because
of the intensity of this emotional state, and the global attack on the
self-system, all that individuals can do when facing a person in such a state
is to attempt to rid them of it.
Ruth tells how some of those who she
has had conversations with victims of sexual abuse feel shame for seeking help,
which involves being seen, and being seen can be very shameful. Many people who
feel shame do not want to be seen by others.
Ruth_1: Uh-huh.
Ugly and horrible and the shame they feel when they come here, it’s so shameful
(.) to let others see them. They don’t
want others to see how ugly and horrible they really are. They have a picture
of how others see them…Nobody sees them that way (.) but it’s a picture they have about themselves about umm (.) being ugly, that others can see all the
terrible things they have done, umm their bodies, they become very visible. But
this is something that declines with time…First we have to try to get some eye
contact ((Bites her lips together)) Uh-Ugh…But
it takes a long time. They don’t want to have eye contact. ((Looks away)) Umm that’s what they have to get out of and
try to see themselves with the eyes of others and get other perspectives umm. I
tell them what I see, it’s important for me to tell them what I actually see in
a person.
Ruth says that people in shame do
not want eye contact; they fear being seen. Ruth shows this behavior herself in
this conversation by looking away when speaking of shame and biting her lips
together (appendix 20). Johnson (2006) argues that we need to hide our shame,
our blushing, our thoughts, and all the parts of us that have been exposed.
Hiding is thus an aspect of the shame sequence. The person who feels shame
feels an urgent need to hide the shameful parts of his or her life or
personality.
No comments:
Post a Comment